Connor comes up to me and tells me that a friend of his (who is black) came up to him at school today and said “whats up N” (used the full actual word not some slang version of it) ” and Connor in utter disbelief replies “watch your tongue sir” and the kid snapped back “I’M BLACK”
So of course he asks “if it is ok for black people to say it”
We of course do not use this word in our home ever- Unfortunately the boys have heard me throw F Bombs like a sailor (my tongue is a huge vice of mine)
but never ever has this word been uttered – with the exception of when Ty was reading some book in 5th grade that had it in it. So while other “bad words” pretty much do not phase my kids to hear them since they are not sheltered from them as much as I’d like them to be, this one did. Even so, they are both very anti swearing (a trait they thankfully took from their dad) and lack no confidence in calling anyone (including me) out on it. Good for them. So Connor was just beside himself that not only had he heard this word- it was being used so casually and by someone that should have been the MOST offended by it.
Me: “well you can not ever say that word, but yes in his mind he can because the use of that word by black people is their way of taking the power out of that word – even so- it shouldn’t be used at school regardless of race etc” That’s how it was left for the time being but I’m going to revisit it when I am not so blind sided by it all.
Side track but I found this comedian’s bit about the N word very funny
While I also do not agree with the use of the term midget or retard for that matter (and campaigns against their use often try to compare it with this word) I have to agree with the comedian. I find them just as offensive- but neither one has even come close to being as taboo.
Thing is- as I prepare for how best to really address this I keep finding that I don’t really think that’s what is happening when it is used (power is being removed from it)- I tend to feel like in most cases it is a power that is wielded over all other races and is a form of racism itself (note that I did not say “reverse” racism- because no such thing even exists- its just racism)- of course my even thinking that makes me a racist because you can not have any thoughts about any other race besides your own that are not positive ones without that label (non of this is stuff I will say to the boys- I am just processing it all out loud so I can see my thoughts more clearly and see where I need to fix things before I ruin the boys)– so as a parent trying to help guide my children but that also recognizes my own struggle in this area I am troubled—I want to guide them and help shape their opinions with love and care at the same time not wanting to over complicate and mold their opinions and thoughts with any sense of in justice and confusion or my own sinful nature….and the fact of the matter is that they are both white males- so they will get tons of exposure to the term “white privilege” through out their lives.
This seems clear and simple enough right?
Which is essentially the way we have raised the boys and since we live in such a non diverse community of mostly white people it really has never even been an issue. The boys did have a neighbor friend once when we lived out in Gold Canyon that was black and at the time it was so new to them to know someone that was black– They were growing up in a vastly different childhood then what I had- one with different demographics just by sheer location. It baffled me how the color of his skin even came up at all- it was mostly because they had never interacted with a black person on a regular basis until then and at the time they were 9 and 7 years old!! It wasn’t for lack of us wanting to it was just the demographics of our neighborhood and their schools I guess. It made me realize what a sheltered community we live in and how that can really add to the ignorance that is often behind racism. Since then each of them have had numerous other black friends both through church and at school including this boy that greeted Connor and started this whole post. None of this got cloudy until this whole encounter with the flippant use of the N-word came into the picture and legitimate deeper questions came up.
My point in this post is that as my boys are getting older and I am in more and more positions to really shape their character and their thought patterns that are going to really stick with them as they become adults — I am struggling. Not that stuff we have done up until now has not molded them- they are just extremely impressionable now in a different way. In a lot of ways these are concepts that even as an adult I do not have understanding of yet. I keep seeing the gap between us intellectually and maturity wise closing in. Even with Tyler and his autism- in some ways he has a better less muddied up understanding of concepts then my life up until now has allowed me to have on certain things. I see now that life experience does not always equal good wisdom- sometimes its just experience and other times it could even be the opposite of wisdom that is gained from experience it just depends on how you walked through it and where you came out on the other side.
and THAT is what terrifies me- I am in no way saying that I was blatantly taught racism growing up-(two of my more serious “relationships” in high school were with a Black boy and a Hispanic one I think there was just more displeasure in my dating in general then it was about race- I also briefly dated a few Black guys and a Native American in college shortly before meeting Jason and one of my best friends freshman year was a Black girl but my family never met any of them so I have no idea how they would have interacted) I will say that older family members for sure displayed a very strong sense of racism that I somehow always knew was wrong even though I was never really being taught otherwise. Part of me wonders if I gravitated towards relationships with other races so frequently because of the underlying race issues I was exposed to. Sadly some of the race tension I had felt from different family members did stick and I catch myself even today (it shaded how I interacted with Navajo people when I moved to Flagstaff for college, it affects my political opinions when it comes to illegal immigration etc) So I can only hope that none of it is flying around my kids now and try really hard to counteract it if it is. What do I do when it is SOCIETY that is teaching it to them? The parents are always to blame, its our job to teach them right so how do I counteract society?
After all this it comes down to the commandment to “Love One Another” which is going to have to be the hallmark fall back lesson to really focus on as the basis of so many of the controversial topics we will face as we raise them.
knowing that God is doing the real work in their hearts and pray he does it in the hearts of those the boys are surrounded by as well.
Now to actually apply it.
Geroux Crew 